Scout Jokes

Letter from Camp

Dear Mom,

Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the  mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.  Scoutmaster Webb said with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. IT gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe
across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love your son,


Cole

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

 

Letter from Camp-II

(Circle the items in parentheses that apply)

Dear (Mom, Dad, Grandma/Grandpa, dog, cat, other)

I am here at (Camp Ajawah, The Rain Forest, Hot Dog Heaven, other) and I am sending you this letter because (you told me to write, my tent mate dared me to, it was this or eat another hot dog, I need more money, the Mr Moore said I had to, other).

The weather here is (don't ask, they want me to say great, pretty wet - we start building the ark tomorrow, so hot you can start a fire on Mr Moore's head, so bad that we have to have tornado drills twice a day and even the wild turkeys head for the ditches, other).

Today we (played in poison ivy, learned first aid after taking wood carving, learned that a latrine is deep and you don't go after a dropped flashlight, other). We also (made a staff member jump in the lake in his underwear, ate too many Pixie Stix, saw a deer, learned a new camp song, has anyone seen the nursie's dog lately?, other).

You ought to see my tent. Did you know that (bugs can see in the dark, a mouse is funny - in someone else's tent, skunks really do like Lifesavers, other)? My tent mates and I share our tent with (457 spiders, 5 snakes, 1,849 mosquitos, 984 flies, 76 moths, something dead, other).

I really do miss (my cat/dog/other family pet, brother/sister, mowing the lawn, air conditioning, real food, other). But the staff here is (wonderful, outstanding, fantastic, awesome, standing right behind me). I'm going to enter a camp contest to (find the most ways to use hot dogs, have the most skin area covered with mosquito bites, go the most days in the same pair of underwear, add the most verses to the 'Announcements' song, other).

This week we have been taking merit badge classes. My favorite merit badge is (mudskiing down sledding hill, lunch, Trading Post 101, other). Tonight is a special night. The staff says we'll be having a special meal. We're supposed to have (not sure, something dead, I don't know - but the cook was singing "I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner" song, other). When you come out on Friday, please bring (more money, dry clothes, a case of Twinkies, edible food, other).

Well, I have to go now. We are getting ready to (go on a hike, find Mr Moore, untie a staff member, see the girls at the trailer court, other).

Your scout,

 

Sixteen Steps to Build a Campfire

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand),
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene." Light Match.
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Re-label can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps 1-15.

 

Top Ten Reasons I'm In Scouting

#10 My basement was empty and needed remodelling anyway.
#9   I get to wear an cool looking uniform.
#8   I love the smell of calamine lotion.
#7   I enjoy going to the bathroom in the woods.
#6   I'm in it for the crafts.
#5   I'm allergic to household chores (needed something to fill the void!)
#4   I get to spend quality time with my son and 30 of his closest friends.
#3   It's a great way to collect coffee mugs.
#2   I needed a tax write off.
#1   It only takes an hour each week!!!

 

You're Too Serious About Scouting If...
  You buy that '89 Chevy Caprice because you really like that fleur-di-lis hood ornament.
  Your favorite color is "olive drab".
  You decide to lash together the new deck on the back of your house.
  You plan to serve foil meals at your next dinner party.
  You walk the streets in broad daylight with a coffee cup and flashlight hanging from your belt.
  You raise your hand in the scout sign at a heated business meeting.
  You were arrested by airport security because you wouldn't give up your official BSA pocket knife until the cop said "thank you".
  You didn't mind losing power to your house for three days.
  Your son hides his copy of Boy's Life from you.
  Your plans for remodeling the bathroom include digging the hole deeper.
  You trade your 25 ft.center console fishing boat in on that great little 15 ft. canoe.
  Your favorite movie is "Follow Me Boys" staring Fred MacMurry,and you spent months trying to convince Disney to release it on home video.
  You managed to find that 8th day in the week.
  Your patron saint is Ward Cleaver.
  You disconnect the automatic dishwasher in favor of the "3 pot method".
  You sneak a cup of "bug juice" after the troop turns in for the night.
  You can actually start a fire by rubbing two sticks together.
  Latrines at camp start becoming comfortable.
  You felt you won a moral victory when the BSA brought back knee socks.
  You think campaign hats are cool.
  You gave your wife a mummy bag rated for -15 deg F for Christmas.
  It was the nicest gift you've given her.
  You name one of your kids Baden.
  Your favorite tune is "Camp Granada" (hello mudda ...hello fadda) by Allen Sherman.
  You can recite the 12 points of the Scout Law backwards, in order,in 3 seconds flat.
  You bought 10,000 shares of Coleman stock on an inside tip that they were about to release a microwave accessory for their camp stove line.
  You can't eat eggs anymore unless they are cooked in a zip-lock bag.
  You plan to get rich by writing a best selling Dutch Oven cook book.
  You took a chemistry course at the local college to help you develop a better fire starter.
  You actually own a left-handed smoke shifter.
  The height of your social season is the district recognition dinner.
  A trip to Philmont is a pilgrimage.
  You are convinced that the center of the universe is Irving, Texas.
  The sales operators at the BSA distribution center's 800 number recognize your voice.
  Singing "Scout Vespers" makes you cry uncontrollably.
  You were disappointed when "Scouting Magazine" didn't win the Pulitzer Prize last year.
  The Scouts in your troop chipped in to have you abducted by a professional cult de-programmer.

A snippet from Dilbert Newsletter 26.0...

Dear Mr. Adams,
Our son, Jason, has earned his Eagle rank in the Boy Scouts of America. I'm sure he would really appreciate a brief e-mail from you congratulating him on his success. We'd appreciate anything you might be able to say.

Jason's Dad

Dear Jason,
By now you probably figured out that the Boy Scouts is a dangerous cult. Your parents are part of the conspiracy. When your training is complete you will be picked up by an alien vessel and transported to a planet where fires can only be started by boys in green pants rubbing sticks together. Your only hope of staying on this planet is to use your knot-making skills to tie yourself to a large rock.

Oh, and congratulations.

Sincerely,

Dogbert

 

The Scouter's Wife and the Scout's Mother

  1. If your laundry routine includes inspecting for red shoulder tabs ... you might be a Scouter's wife or a Scout's mother.
  2. If a dab of Coleman fuel behind each ear is more alluring to your husband than Chanel No. 5 ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
  3. If your laundry routine includes inspecting for blue cards in shirt pockets .. you might be a Scout's mother.
  4. If a Monday night family dinner consists of Whoppers in the car in the church parking lot .. you might be a Scouter's wife and a Scout's mother.
  5. If you cook a nice pot roast for supper, and then heat up the leftovers for your husband when he gets home, ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
  6. If your only real vacation in 5 years involves driving from Minnesota to Philmont with a carload of boys ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
  7. If your husband plans a "night out with the boys", and you know that it will be a night _outdoors_ with boys ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
  8. If your most memorable vacation with your husband was being the only woman in a crew of nine men and boys in the BWCA.. you might be a Scouter's wife.
  9. If you spend your honeymoon wearing green shorts and knee socks ... you might be a new Scouter's wife.
  10. If your husband mutters in his sleep about a ticket, and you know we hasn't just caught speeding .. you might be a Scouter's wife.
  11. If you've converted your dining room into an office, and your garage looks like L.L. Bean's attic .. you might be a Scouter's wife.
  12. If your husband's tan line starts just above his knees, and ends three inches below his knees ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
  13. If you have shelves of coffee mugs, and you don't drink coffee ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
  14. If your best china cup has a 1965 Camporee logo on it .. you might be a Scouter's wife.
  15. If your husband has disappeared, and you know you can always find him at Cub trying to get a deal on 40lb bags of rice ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
  16. If you tell your husband you are expecting to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, and he thinks the PLC meeting is at your house tonight ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
  17. If your husband brings home three rolls of red-white-and-blue ribbon to be sewn into Mothers' ribbons, and says "Don't worry, the Court of Honor isn't until tomorrow night and we only need 15 made" .. . and you don't have a sewing machine ... and you get it done ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
  18. If you just _know_ that the sun room will be finished, right after the next Ajawah workday ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
  19. If your family car seats 8, even though there are only 4 in your family ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
  20. If the money collected for your memorial is used to buy a new dishwasher for Camp Ajawah, and everyone thinks that is just right ... you were a Scouter's wife.
  21. If you keep your Mother's ribbon, with the Eagle pin, with you _forever, .. you were a Scouter's mother.

You might be a Boy Scout if...

  1. You go camping just to get away from home
  2. All your food, cloths, and tents smell like smoke
  3. You carry everything to camp and still leave something at home
  4. If getting to camp *IS* the big adventure (been there :-)
  5. If your backpack weights more than you do
  6. If your new freckles looks likes ticks
  7. Your camping trip is too wet, too dry, too hot, or too cold
  8. Your cooking fire resembles a bon fire
  9. The first thing you did with your first scout knife was cut yourself
  10. Your socks are considered toxic waste after the campout
  11. The best meal you had on the campout is the McDonalds hamburger on the trip home
  12. You need those stinking badges
  13. Your favorite bank is next to a river
  14. Your favorite pool has fish in it
  15. You attend your school dance wearing khaki and a neckerchief
  16. You know 101 uses for a shoelace
  17. You drink bug juice
  18. All your camping gear actually fits in your backpack
  19. You have the urge to help little old ladies...whether they want it or not
  20. You won't let your lab partner in Biology lab use the scalpel to disect your frog because he/she does not have a "Totin' Chip."
  21. you have holes in the pockets of your jeans from carrying a pocket knife.
  22. you begin to think half cooked sausage, don't taste all that bad.
  23. you keep a bucket of water by your side while cooking dinner.
  24. you spontaneously break into strange songs in public.
  25. you can stare at a spider web for an hour, and not notice the time passing.
  26. you carry your own toilet paper wherever you go.
  27. you always read by a flashlight.
  28. your radio is always tuned to the weather station.
  29. you horde tent stakes.
  30. you wear 2 pairs of socks to bed.
  31. you keep a lantern hanging outside your bathroom door.
  32. you sleep under a trash bag.
  33. you cannot walk by a piece of trash without picking it up.
  34. you carry a dufflebag size first aide kit in your car.
  35. you always have hat hair.
  36. you continue to wear it until it stands on it's own.
  37. you're always counting how many matches you have left.
  38. you tie up your little brother, and he can't get loose.
  39. you know all the words to the Ajawah Rouser, but can't remember your homework.
  40. you see paint samples in a store and immediately want to name things in nature with the same colors.
  41. your pots and pans are all black.
  42. you roast mini marshmallows on a paper clip over a candle, put it on a golden graham with one square of chocolate, just to get the flavor.
  43. you always cook enough food for twelve.
  44. all your clothes smell like a week old fire.
  45. ramen and eggs is the best meal you've had all week.
  46. you always have a cup hooked to your belt.
  47. all your dishes have little pieces of egg stuck on them.
  48. you open letters with a pocket knife.
  49. you have something on your shoe
  50. and you're sure it's only mud.
  51. you eat ants on a log and like it.
  52. you wear bread bags on your feet.
  53. you know 365 one pot meals.
  54. when opening large gifts you survey the box wondering if you have a piece of foil large enough to cover it.
  55. you buy your shampoo in little tiny bottles.
  56. you order pizzas 14 at a time.
  57. everything in your cupboard says "Instant, just add water".
  58. your neighbors hide when they see you going door to door with "that wreath order form" again.
  59. you have to go to the restroom and you start looking for a buddy.
  60. you really do use those emergency sewing kits.
  61. you go to someone's house for dinner, don't like the food, and ask if they have PB&J.
  62. you tie your shoe and check the handbook to see if it can go toward earning a badge.
  63. you see a pile of rocks and immediately put them in a circle.
  64. you know 100 uses for a bandana.
  65. all your shirts have pin holes in them.
  66. you wear thongs in the shower.
  67. you actually own the book, "How to S**t in the Woods".
  68. you have a collection of used candles and dryer lint.
  69. someone asks for a volunteer and you find your hand is already in the air.
  70. your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.

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